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theweirdgirl68
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Name: nothing can never be
Birthday: 4/3/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Poetry,philosophy,boys,life,death,existance,bras,french.
Buffy, Qaf, The L word, Nirvana, Self harm, Eating disorders, Pretty girls make graves, Placebo, Brian Molko, Andrea Zollo, Pj Harvey, Fiona Apple, reading, europe, girls, people, buddism. Love, tears, happiness, sorrow, OTH, That 70's show. Gay rights, being loved. writing, reading, being independent. Not eating. Being Skinny. Perfection. Binging and Purging, depression, burning, tears, hair pulling and bruising.razors.broken heart
Expertise: eating disorders.self harm. hating myself. bipolar and bpd. being shy. being alone. sadness. suicide. institues. schizo
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/9/2005
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| I will never be...what you want.
I will never be..happy
I will never be..okay
I will never be...alive
The cuts are my only way to survive, the grumble in my stomach is my dissapointment in my self. Never being good enough. Never being perfect. I will though, go on. For the idea that you need me. I don't want to be your failure as an older sister, a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend. It hurts. It hurts just so damn much, but you will never know how i cry myself to sleep, or how i drowned out the day with anti-anxiety meds and blood. I just want to smile and laugh. So much, so badly. It will end, one day. I will not be sorry but maybe you can find peace knowing life just wasn't meant to be, for me. Till then i will try and be perfect, want you wanted from me.
Love,
kat
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| i try and i try. This world is too much for me, most of the time. I have to take five medications just to make it through the day. I am tired of this body that is engulfed in fat, these scars that leave me so dead inside. This is not a way to live but i know and so do so many that i have been dead for years. The suicide that took me whole left only a corpse and a fragments of doom. I won't go back to showing my sadness to the world. I will lie and smile because it is what's best for my family. I will be the person they want me to be on the outside only to please them. I will cut away the pain in silence and in fear. Sadness is the only thing i have left. They can not see that it all means nothing to me and everything to them. One single cut on the leg makes things seem alive, for the moment. I will not leave that, i need it as much as some need their drugs. Fat no more, i am determined to the lose the weight, however it may be, the bulimia is okay, under control somewhat. I can't wait for college so i can do what i want. love to all , kat bmi: in the low 20's. i am normal weight but fat, fat, fat, fat. | | |
| it's me again...here and ill
i have some stomach flu where whenever i eat, i become sick. I haven't been able to keep a meal down in days, which i can't complain about but i am so weak right now and i have not slept in days. I have no energy and i am just not doing well at school. Work is FUCKING horrific. Some of those people need medication. I think you have to be a little out there to work there. I have lost some weight which is good but i do need some energy, so might buy a red bull or something so i can stay well.
My sleeping has always been asked but i have never been so off. I think i should start taking something again. I know Dr. D my psychiatrist thinks i am already on to many meds and i have to agree.
Tonight at work i will just keep quite and not say a word to any of those insane co-workers, well not all of them, most i do love. Just not some working tonight.
too tired to think.
love to all, and i will respond soon
kat
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| it's back....
all the time i spend to get better. All the pills i sallow to make mommy, daddy and sister happy isn't making me happy. I am back to where i started. Just another suicidal year. I cut as much as i weigh, everyday. These cuts are just so superficial, because inside i am dead. This year i will be so small, so invisible. I will starve myself to rid the pain. No more tears or lies. Not until you can not see me. Bulimia just keeps me fat, but anorexia will set me free. The hallucinations that bring me back. Not today, not ever. I wrote the letter and i am okay, until another day.
love to all
kat
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|   My weight is 110. it sucks and i need to lose 10 by next saturday. i will do it, i just have to. i will eat only fruit and healthy foods. water is a must also. not soda or anything like that. i need to start exercising again. i will go to the gym tomorrow to work out for 2 to 3 hours. i need to lose the weight anyway i can. but no more laxies. they really messed me up bad. i had to miss school because of it. it really sucked. not doing that again.
watermelon: 50 cals water: 0 sandwhich: 150 cals. love you all | | |
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